Inviting In vs Coming Out

Have you ever felt pressured to “come out” to the people around you? Or maybe the whole idea of “coming out” just doesn’t sit right with you? If that sounds familiar, then I want to introduce you to something called “inviting in” – an alternative that gives you more autonomy. 

Before we dive into what “coming out” vs. “inviting in” means, let’s talk about something that plays a huge role in all of this: heterosexism. Basically, heterosexism is the system of ideas that looks down on and stigmatizes anything that isn’t heterosexual or “straight”. It’s what pushes the idea that being heterosexual is the “default”, and it’s why the LGBTQIA+ community has to go through the whole “coming out” process. It’s also why, for a lot of people, deciding who to tell about their sexual or gender identity is a big decision. 

A Little History on “Coming Out”

So, where did this idea of “coming out” even come from? The term “coming out of the closet” originally came from the late 19th and early 20th centuries when gay men borrowed the phrase from debutante society. In that context, it was about young women entering high society, but gay men adapted it to mean coming out to themselves or to other gay men – it wasn’t about revealing their identity to the world. Back then, people used secret code phrases like “a friend of Dorothy” or “a club member” to talk about their identities quietly.

Fast forward to the 1969 Stonewall Rebellion, “coming out” took on a more political meaning. It became about rejecting shame and showing pride, as queer people began openly challenging societal norms. By the late 20th century, mental health professionals were all for coming out, seeing it as a positive step toward better mental health and part of the gay liberation movement.

But today? Coming out can still be a big deal, especially because of how deeply ingrained homophobia and transphobia are. In our current political climate, we are seeing a rise in transphobia and homophobia, making it even less safe to disclose identity. Some people might choose not to come out at all, weighing the risks and deciding it’s not worth it in certain situations.

In recent years, experts have moved away from the idea of “coming out” as a single event and now see it as more of a process. It’s about unlearning the default heterosexual and cis identity most of us are socialized into and rejecting the stereotypes tied to being LGBTQIA+. Coming out isn’t a one-time thing – it’s a process that happens over time, in different situations, and in different stages of life.

Inviting In – A New Perspective

Now, instead of the traditional “coming out,” some people are flipping the script and talking about “inviting others in.” This shift changes the focus, giving people the power to decide when, how, and with whom they share their identity. It takes the pressure off the person and shifts the responsibility to the people around them – they’re the ones who need to create a space where the person feels safe and supported enough to share. It’s not about broadcasting your identity to the world; it’s about trusting the people around you to be respectful and understanding when you choose to share.

Inviting in feels much more personal and intimate. It’s about sharing who you are with the people you trust, and knowing that not everyone necessarily deserves that access. It’s a more holistic way of connecting with others, encouraging vulnerability and openness without feeling like you have to fit into anyone’s expectations. 

So if you’re feeling pressure to disclose your identity, perhaps the reframe of “inviting in” will give you the autonomy to decide when, how and who you do this with. 

For support with exploring sexual and gender identity, please contact me to book a session.